011: Marni: Double Donors and Raising Kids without Family Support

My guest today is Marni, a single-mother-by-choice who chose the path when the community wasn’t very accessible. She does an excellent job of painting what it was like twelve years ago and the challenges of finding donors. Marni needed both an egg donor and a sperm donor to conceive her son.  At the time of Marni’s process, her choices were very limited and sperm donors were always anonymous. She explains how she chose her donors and why she actually had to fight for her sperm donor in the end.

She expresses how much the community has changed since her process. The community is much easier to reach out to now. Marni has also raised her son largely on her own away from her family. We discuss the importance of “getting over yourself” and asking for help. It doesn’t mean you are weak. She is also proof that you don’t need family support to raise a child, a common stumbling block for some women.

Marni offers a unique perspective on the single-mother-by-choice path. She chose her path at a time when it was not a favorable option, culturally speaking. Which makes it a testament to the drive and resilience of Marni and the community around her.

Some highlights of today’s conversation:

• Marni’s early ideas of motherhood.
• Why she waited till 40 to try to conceive.
• The failed IUIs (Intrauterine inseminations) and the switch to IVF (In vitro fertilization.)
• Deciding to continue with an egg donor instead of adoption.
• How Marni chose her egg and sperm donors.
• Why she had to fight to get the same sperm donor as a college friend.
• What led to the decision to be open and honest with her son about his conception.
• Why every woman should have the option to stay at home (and why Marni doesn’t.)
• Asking for help and finding a supportive community to help you.
• The burden of being both good cop and bad cop.
• Why you don’t need family close to raise a child and how to make it work.

Resources

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Motherhood Reimagined Website

Motherhood Reimagined SMC Community

Motherhood Reimagined: When Becoming a Mother Doesn’t Go As Planned: A Memoir by Sarah Kowalski

Sarah’s email

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Also, if you are wanting some guidance on this unconventional path, consider joining my Motherhood Reimagined SMC Community.

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Quotes

"It's finding that happy medium because you don't have two people to play off of and you're their mom not their friend, but you want to be their friend too because you are the only one they have." -- Marni

"I think being a stay at home mom is the hardest job in the world and kudos to all of those moms out there that do it. It was never me and I think that goes back to my story of putting it off, doing the single mother thing, because I was career driven." -- Marni

"It was 2006, it wasn't as accepted as it now, and for certain, being a single woman wanting to adopt would have not gone over so well, and I didn't want someone telling me whether or not I was going to be a good mom, I knew I was going to be a great mom." -- Marni