Episode Transcript
Welcome to the Motherhood Reimagined podcast, where we celebrate all paths to motherhood. I'm your host, Sarah Kowalski. For so many of us, our path to motherhood didn't turn out the way we had planned. We let go of our dreams in the way we thought it was supposed to be, in order to embrace a totally different path. Yet once we become mothers, we rarely have regrets. Join me while we explore the joys and difficulties surrounding the various paths to motherhood. Whether you're contemplating whether to become a single mother, still trying to be one, or already raising kids, you'll find information, reassurance, and inspiration for unconventional paths to motherhood.
Hey everyone, and welcome back to the Motherhood Reimagined podcast. It feels so good to be back in this space with you. Even though it's a been a while, life, as it tends to do, has taken some unexpected turns these past few years, and it has taken my attention away from this podcast. What I have been up to is building a supportive online community for single moms by choice for every stage of the journey. And I have moved a lot of my interviews to inside that community with really deep interviews with experts, insights from myself, interviews of single moms by choice on a really intimate level, as well as regular meetups, deep listening circles, various groups for every stage of the journey. So go check that out. I would love to have you inside my community.
One of the exciting offers that I am just launching right now is the Bloom room, which will be a regular intimate cohort that starts and is catered to women in the thinking and early trying phases who want to really bond together to set off on this journey, really supporting each other, making intimate connections, and also having my expertise so you have less rabbit holes that you're googling and really have some expert guidance from me who I have helped hundreds of women go through this journey. I've seen approaches from hundreds of different fertility doctors, and I can really help streamline and educate you so that you can navigate this journey from a very empowered and educated place. So I'd love to see you check everything out, the SMC motherhood reimagined community, and reach out to me if you have any questions.
But for now, I'm thrilled to be kicking off season two of the podcast with a powerful story that I know will resonate for many of you. Today, we're diving into Kelly's journey to single motherhood, a journey that took her through failed iuis, the decision to pursue IVF amidst a global pandemic and a meticulous process of choosing a sperm donor. Get ready for an honest and vulnerable conversation about facing fears, setting boundaries, and discovering the incredible strength that comes from creating a family on your own terms. Let's dive in.
Hey, everyone. Welcome. I'm so excited to welcome Kelly. She is a past client. She was actually in my trier's group for a little while and she is currently pregnant. Welcome to the show, Kelly.
Thanks for having me. Happy to be here.
[00:03:42] Yeah. I'm so excited to have you. And tell us, how many months pregnant are you at the moment?
[00:03:47] Speaker C: I am, I think, basically nine months now. I am due April 15.
[00:03:53] Speaker A: So probably by the time this airs, you're going to have a baby in your arms, which is so exciting.
[00:03:59] Speaker C: It's hard to believe that she's almost here, but I'm so excited.
[00:04:02] Speaker A: I know it's been a long road. So tell me, as a child, what was your vision? What did you think was how your life was going to unfold?
[00:04:13] Speaker C: Yeah. So I think as a kid, like, I don't really have any kind of clear memory of anything, really, but I think just as anybody else, you kind of think you're going to grow up, you're going to get married, you're going to have kids. And that kind of carried through into my twenties. I didn't really think too much about it, but it's just something that, you know, I just kind of assumed was going to happen. I never really had an idea of, like, how many kids. It was always just, you know, a few kids, nuclear family, maybe settling down in, like, a little small town or something. I grew up in quite a small town, so kind of, like, outside the city. So I think my idea was kind of just the simple life with the husband and the kids kind of thing.
[00:04:52] Speaker A: Thank you. And so tell us a little bit about what ended up happening and how you, your path to becoming a mother.
[00:05:02] Speaker C: So I broke up with a boyfriend in 2018. And that person, that was one where I thought, you know, this guy could be the one. So the breakup was tough, and I kind of thought at that point, what now? I was 33, and it was kind of at that time that I started thinking, hey, maybe I need a plan b. And I didn't really know what that was, whether that was gonna be to start dating again. You know, that was obviously my original thought, let's find another guy. Let's get at this. You know, the time is ticking. But, yeah, just one day, out of nowhere, it popped into my head and I thought, hey, why not? I can, you know, why not consider doing this by myself. So the wheels kind of started turning then. And then by 2019, the beginning of 2019, I was in at my doctor's talking to her about getting a referral to a clinic. And that process kind of started. And then through 2019, through 2020, I ended up doing five, all of which didn't work. So that was definitely a challenge. And I obviously didn't do month to month. I kind of took some breaks in between, but I kind of gone into it assuming that those iuis would work, and they didn't. So by the end of 2020, of course, we're in the middle of a pandemic, and there's so many other stressors as well. And then this on top of it, I, you know, I had a little mini breakdown about it, and I just, you know, it was really emotional for me because I had not thought that I would have to go to IVF. So it was a really big step to kind of have to go to IVF. And then, so by January of 2021, I kind of started talking to my clinic about IVF, started making the financial arrangements, and I started within a few months. And luckily, by summer of last year is when I finally was able to get pregnant, so. Yay.
[00:06:59] Speaker A: I know. Awesome. And I can't remember, did you mention here how old you were when you started those iuis?
[00:07:07] Speaker C: Yeah, I was 33 when I started, so. And I'm now 36, so it definitely took a lot longer than I expected it to.
[00:07:16] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I remember there's, like, a feedback. I remember because you were in the group when you were doing your iuis and your sister got pregnant and some friends got pregnant at the same time. Can you talk a little about what that was like for you and.
[00:07:37] Speaker C: Yeah, for sure. So it was actually right before I started my first iui that I found out that my sister was pregnant. So that was a challenge. She had just gotten married a month before, so. And they weren't even trying. So it just happened, and it happened quicker than they thought. So I remember getting that text message and just having such mixed feelings. Like, I've just this joy inside of me, but then I was crying at the same time because I just thought, oh, you know, I'm going to be first. I'm four years older than her, so it was definitely challenging. And then the fact that she was pregnant through kind of all the challenges that I was facing, and then my niece was born, you know, so definitely mixed feelings around that. And, you know, I think she. She understood that I was trying to be there for her, but there were certain times that I did have to step back. I did end up throwing her a big baby shower and just kind of putting. Going all in for that. And it just, again, like, it was. It was fantastic. But it was also, you know, there was an element that was a little bit devastating because I just didn't know if it was going to happen for me, so.
[00:08:48] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, I remember that so well. It was so hard. What were. What were some of the boundaries or what advice? Like, I feel like it's a place that a lot of women end up where, like, every. Not necessarily their sister. I mean, that was especially hard. But, like, everyone around them is getting pregnant or having to go to baby showers. Like, what. Is there any advice you would give to women in that situation of, like, kind of how to set boundaries or how to cope?
[00:09:16] Speaker C: Yeah, I mean, as a people pleaser myself, I found that very challenging. As somebody who always says yes, I think you have to just really trust. Trust your gut and give yourself the space if you need. So, you know, if you can't make that shower or you can only reach out a little bit, that's okay. I had another friend as well at that same time, who was also a single mom of my choice who started after me, and she only had to do three iuis, and she got pregnant. So she's her daughter, I think, is now six months or something. So she's definitely way ahead of me. And it was the same thing as my sister. I had to step back. It was a little easier. Cause that was a new friendship. But I definitely pulled back from her and just. I wasn't. I just wasn't able to be as present in that friendship with her. And, you know, we've actually talked about that recently. Last month, I met up with her and she said, I totally understand why you had to do it. It's okay. So I think my advice would be just, you know, take care of you and know that people understand. And if they don't understand, you know, they're not the right people in your life. Right. They're not. They're not there for you, and they don't. They don't get it, you know, then maybe those aren't the people you want in your life.
[00:10:34] Speaker A: And did you ever have, like, a conversation with your sister, sort of, like, explaining to her your position?
[00:10:39] Speaker C: I didn't. I think she just kind of understood. Yeah, she just kind of got it. So, yeah, my sister and I, we've had, you know, we're nothing. The closest we're becoming closer now in adulthood. So we've kind of had to work on our relationship just based on kind of some of the stuff from when we were kids. So I never was really able to kind of have a super in depth conversation about, like, how I was feeling around it. But I think she kind of understood. So that was good.
[00:11:13] Speaker A: That's good. That's really nice. Yeah. I always encourage people, and I think it's a really hard conversation to have, but to try and let those people know, like, you can be both devastated and excited and then. And having to, like, show up and pretend you're excited, only excited. It's like you don't feel authentic, and then they're not getting, like, the full sort of, like, experience of who you are. So to the extent that you feel comfortable having those conversations, I think, because I think otherwise you're, like, sort of pretending that excitement.
[00:11:49] Speaker C: Absolutely.
[00:11:50] Speaker A: The other person sort of knows, like, this isn't really how you normally show up.
[00:11:54] Speaker C: I think that's great advice. And it's something that I probably need to improve in myself is not really, you know, just. Just pleasing, pleasing, pleasing. And I need to make sure that I am setting those boundaries in other parts of my life as well. So I definitely agree with you with that advice.
[00:12:11] Speaker A: So, yeah, yeah. And so, and then I also wanted to go back and ask about. So you did these five iuis?
[00:12:21] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:12:22] Speaker A: None of them worked. You were 33.
[00:12:24] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:12:25] Speaker A: I remember being there for a lot of that devastation and just confusion and, like, what the heck is happening? And then you ended up going to IVF. Did they ever give you any explanation about why or what or anything?
[00:12:41] Speaker C: They didn't. My doctor was quite surprised because, you know, of my age, we did all the testing. Everything checked out. So fertility wise, you know, I was, you know, set up for success. We thought the only thing was my last few iuis, the sperm sample was quite low, so I'm not sure whether or not that contributed to it. But that being said, I think. I think it's just a good message to put out there that you can be young, you can be really healthy, and it can still not work, and it's. It's not your fault, necessarily. And it. Sometimes it's just. It's timing. You know, I listened to podcasts that say, you know, it can take however long for. For a couple and things, and so sometimes it just. That's the way. That's the way it works. It doesn't. It doesn't happen. But, yeah, it was definitely devastating because of the fact that I just thought it was going to work, so.
[00:13:37] Speaker A: Yeah. And did. Were you using the same sperm donor?
[00:13:41] Speaker C: I did. I didn't end up switching. So I got really connected to my donor through the pro, like, through the process of finding him. And I was. It was just a gut feeling with him where I really, really was happy and didn't want to switch. I know that a lot of people do, and sometimes that does make a difference for their iuis, but I was just really set on keeping him. I actually kept him through to IVF as well, so I kept the same one. But, yeah, even. Even the IVF was a bit surprising because I had a really good retrieval. And then. But by the time the embryos got to day five, we were only down to. And I expected more because, you know, by that point, I still wasn't very old, and I thought, you know, I would have way more on ice. And so what I did was I had the three, and then by the time we did the PGTA, it was down to only two. So even at that point, it was.
It was a very scary time because I didn't. I was sending three embryos off, and I didn't know if they were going to all come back abnormal, and I was going to have put in all this time, all this money, and we were going to be back to square one. So it was a lot of stress, even through the IVF process. But luckily, I came back with two that were healthy, and one is now my baby girl and my tummy, and I have another one waiting for me, which I don't know the gender, because in Canada, you're actually not allowed to know ahead of time what they. What they put in there.
[00:15:09] Speaker A: And are you. Did they. Are you hoping to maybe have a second?
[00:15:14] Speaker C: I haven't decided. For a while there, I was thinking one and done. It's a little bit interesting. Now that I just have the one, I just kind of feel like, oh, just like, if there was five, I think I'd be easy to say, okay, let's, you know, dispose of them or. Or donate them. But with just the one, there's a little part of me thinking maybe I have to give that, that little one a chance. But at this point, I'm kind of, like, 80% leaning towards just the one. Just because there's things I want to do, you know, with my daughter. I want to be able to travel and, you know, just kind of live a comfortable life financially and things. So I'm just going to kind of see how it all goes. Let's get through. Let's get through the newborn stage and let's get through toddler phase, and then we'll reassess that decision.
[00:16:01] Speaker A: Awesome. Okay, cool. And now also, when you were at the bay, like, you had broken up with this boyfriend, and you were like, hmm, maybe I need to take some action. How did you even, how did, like, single motherhood by choice kind of, like, even come into your awareness or psyche?
[00:16:23] Speaker C: Yeah. So I think I kind of always knew in the back of my mind that it was an option. I remember as a lifeguard in my twenties, there was a single mom by choice that used to come into the pool with her son, and it was kind of the first exposure that I kind of had to it, and. But I, at that time, it just, it seemed so strange, and it just didn't seem like something that I would ever do. And I was thinking, how could this woman do it? Like, it seems so impossible. And so, you know, at that time, it was definitely, you know, not something that I ever would have considered. And I think I kind of, that popped into my head again. And I thought, you know, I was at a totally different place in my life now. And I thought, hey, I can do this. You know, I've always been a really independent person. Like, I've probably spent more of my twenties and thirties I have spent more of my twenties and thirties single than I have kind of been relationships. So I've always just been independent, done my own thing. I've always lived alone. So, you know, when I, when it popped into my head, it just, it didn't seem, it didn't seem too foreign. It didn't seem like something. It felt like I could do it. So.
[00:17:30] Speaker A: Yeah, that's awesome. I feel like that's somewhat rare. I mean, I think it's becoming more common that, like, people know of or have seen or heard of a single mom by choice. I know when I was doing it, I had, like, never really heard about it. I had, like, one really distant acquaintance that had done it. And I remember being like, oh, my God, that's so weird. I can't believe she did that. And then.
[00:17:54] Speaker C: Yeah, for sure. I agree. And it, it's interesting that that was, oh, that was at least 15 years ago. So I think the fact that that mom did it then, I mean, that must have been, wow, that must have taken a lot of courage, because I think it's become more normalized now, for sure. And, you know, I know for me, social media and being a part of your group and being a part of Facebook groups has just had such a huge impact on normalizing it and realizing that even if there's not people directly in, like, my town, let's say there's a lot of women doing it. So, you know, that's been a huge help.
[00:18:33] Speaker A: Yeah. And do you remember, like, how long? It's sort of like, what the process of kind of getting used to the idea and, like, actually pulling the trigger to do an IUI was for you.
[00:18:46] Speaker C: You know, getting used to the idea was not hard. Once I set my mind to it, I was pretty set. And, you know, from that point on, when I started thinking about it, I was kind of just powering forward and ready to go. It did take a little while. Just, I don't think I started the IUI until probably about a year later. So I definitely did give myself some time to, you know, think it through, make sure this was the right decision. I actually went on a little solo yoga retreat right before. I just really wanted to make sure that I was making the right decision. So I had everything kind of lined up, and I went away on this little retreat. I did a lot of journaling, I did some meditating, and I was just like, are you sure this is kind of what you want to do? Because, you know, for me, I was. I was still, you know, not young, but I wasn't 40. I wasn't over 40. So I think I kind of thought, well, I do. I do have time, you know, if I want to continue dating. But at the same time, now that I look back, I don't know if I had as much time as I thought, because now that it was such a challenge, I don't know what would have happened if I'd waited two or three years. So I am pretty happy that I went forward when I did.
[00:20:07] Speaker A: Yeah. And do you remember, like, when you were journey. I remember that retreat, actually, that you went on that, but do you remember, like, what were the biggest things that you had to think through to get comfortable with the idea?
[00:20:20] Speaker C: Yeah, it was overcoming fears of, you know, I've always struggled with myself, with some anxiety and with kind of, you know, feelings of worthiness, just with myself. And so it was getting over those fears of, you know, how that was going to impact motherhood. Was I going to. Going to be able to emotionally support myself so that I could support this child? I guess, like, that was one of the biggest things for me, was kind of, like, fear clearing and realizing that I was capable, I was strong enough. So that was what a lot of it. A lot of the journaling did focus around that.
[00:21:01] Speaker A: And did you ever get any pushback from people around you being like, why don't you just wait? Like, I feel like so many women, like, people, even when they're older, are like, oh, but you could date just a little bit longer. And they're like, no, I'm ready to do this. And, you know, did you ever get any of that?
[00:21:19] Speaker C: For the most part, no. My friends and family were all pretty supportive. The only one was my nana. She's one of my best friends, and she's now 93 or 94, so, you know, she has some old school thoughts. So the minute I brought it up with her, it was just like, no way. Like, a child needs two parents. You can't do this. And that was years ago when I. When the idea first popped into my head. And then from there, I didn't really tell her about the journey at all because I didn't want to stress her out. And it was. I was a little worried about telling her I was pregnant. And, yeah, there was shock for a bit, but she ended up coming around to the idea and everything, so I told her, and she just looked at me and said, from the clinic, when I said, I'm pregnant.
[00:22:06] Speaker A: From the clinic?
[00:22:07] Speaker C: Yeah, from the clinic, Nana.
Quite funny and cute. But other than that, you know, I did have a few single mom friends, like, friends who have been divorced and things like that, who did try to kind of push on me. This is going to be really, really hard. And, like, are you sure? Like, they would say, like, we're really struggling, and we even have this kind of other person who's, like, kind of contributing or paying money. And so there was a few of those people, but, yeah, most of the people in my life were supportive. Supportive.
[00:22:40] Speaker A: And what was your kind of reaction or response to those friends who were like, single moms were like, oh, this is. This is too hard. Are you sure you know what you're doing?
[00:22:50] Speaker C: Yeah, I think I just would try to convey that, you know, I.
This is something that has always been my dream, and it's going to be hard. I know, but I think that everyone faces their own challenges, so I would have more regrets not doing it than doing it. So I just would tell them, you know, I feel like I have no choice. I have to jump in. I know this is going to be hard, but also, I think I would say back to them, there's things about your situation that are challenging, too, right? You now have to co parent. You know, there's challenges that your children are facing. That my child will never have to face. So I kind of tried to turn that around a little bit and just say, you know, give me that. Like, give me that chance to try this and we'll see how it goes.
[00:23:39] Speaker A: So, yeah. Yeah, I think that's good for you because I think it's really hard. And I think. I think it often, like, when people come back was sort of like, oh, my God, it's going to be so hard. It often kind of stumps people. And I often say, like, I don't know whether, like, doing it alone and not having that co parent, even in partnership, I think it's really hard to say what's easier, because I think there's studies that show that one of the hardest, the number one sort of sticking point inside marriages is disagreements around how to raise your children and disagreements around schooling and discipline and et cetera. And I feel like taking that out is a huge. It's a huge benefit, you know, or, you know, and so who knows? Like, I know people often come to me and they're like, I don't know if I should choose this because it's like, why am I, you know, deliberately choosing a harder path? And I'm always like, I don't know if it's necessarily harder. Like, let's step back a second. Like, co parenting is hard. Having another person that you have to manage their emotions and their needs in addition to your child is also hard. So let's not, like, you know, project onto you or whoever that it's going to be so hard.
[00:24:59] Speaker C: And, yeah, I think I totally agree. And I've had, you know, married friends who are, you know, happily married come to me and say, sometimes I wish I did it your way. You know, they're dealing with things, with their husbands or whatever else, and they're. They're telling me that, you know, they feel like there are a lot of things that come up for them that I won't ever have to deal with. And so, yeah, I think that's definitely a valid point.
[00:25:26] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. So let's go a little bit to picking your donor, because it sounds like you did. Yeah. Get very attached to your donor, as you said. I'd love to hear a little bit about that process and any advice you would give women around how to pick a donor.
[00:25:43] Speaker C: Sure. Yeah. So I'm a teacher. I'm a very organized, meticulous person. So I kind of approached the binding sperm donor kind of from that. The mindset of, okay, I need to make lists and consider all my options. I was lucky enough that my clinic did have somebody that was able to kind of help with that process. So there's a woman who basically reaches out to the clinic. She gives, gives you some of the information, and then she'll kind of correspond with the clinics and help you do the ordering and stuff. So that was definitely helpful. But, yeah, the process was basically, it took me a few months, I would say. I kind of looked at the clinics. I had lists and lists of all the numbers of all the donors kind of out. And, you know, I would look at. I would make lists of things like how their profile was and what they look like and those types of things. And then I would just kind of narrow it down. And it took me, it took me a while. I would have to spend several days over the course of a month kind of just going, going through it and going back to it. And then, you know, when it came to my donor, part of the reason was he is from a canadian clinic, and there's not a lot of. I'm canadian, there's not a lot of canadian clinics. So that was definitely appealing to me. So he was out of Toronto. I'm just outside of Vancouver. And so that was a bit of a deciding factor. But honestly, it came down to a feeling like, I just, I read his essay and, you know, I saw an adult photo. It was a little bit blurred. Not baby photos, but adult photos. And then the biggest one for me was the audio interview. So I got a clip of him speaking, and just the way he spoke, like, it just something connected with me, and I can't even fully understand what it, or fully explain what it was. It was kind of just like a gut feeling that this guy is the right guy. I definitely wanted an open id donor that was really important to me, and he is one. And I think at the end of his interview, it was very cute. He pulled out a little. They asked him if he had anything to say to the donor child, and he said, I have something written. And he pulled it out and spoke to the child. And there was something about that that I was just like, aw. He sounded very authentic with wanting to keep that door open. And that was a huge thing for me because you never know that many years down the road how they're going to feel. And I just, for me, that's something that's really important. So I think that kind of, you know, sealed the deal for me when he did that. Yeah, that's so sweet.
[00:28:21] Speaker A: I have a bunch of follow up questions.
Yeah, I mean, I think I often tell people, I think audio, like, for me, I agree that audio is like, I don't know, it's like it reaches, like you said, like, reaches something in your gut of, like, okay, yes. And I think it starts to take you out of that, like, mental, like, all the lists and everything. And I think it does just like, oh, like, it hits you. For me. It hit me in the gut, like, okay, yes, this is the one. So I love conveying that. But I also think that process of, like, going through all the. The lists and the details and everything is a process, like a step for a lot of people that's necessary. And then they have to eventually get to that kind of gut piece. And then I also think one piece of advice I also give people now is to really, like, look at the sperm donor from your perspective and what you want. But then at a certain point, you have to flip and think about your childhood and having a profile that feels really comfortable and really like that. You imagine for 18 years you're not going to have anything else to show them except that profile and that audio, et cetera. So having them thinking about, like, okay, if I show this to my kid, am I going to feel good about showing it to them? And then secondly, how do I think this person's going to react when my child does reach out to them at 18? And I think those are two really important steps that I've really gotten clear, working with tons of women that are so incredibly important. So I love that you kind of just did that. Naturally.
[00:30:00] Speaker C: I agree with you. That's so important.
[00:30:02] Speaker A: Yeah, my kid is, like, cutting. We have this gigantic box. I don't know if people can hear it. I got a chair yesterday, and it's like every eight year old's dream is to have this gigantic box, and I can hear him cutting it. So I hope there's no background noise. And now I can hear the dog scratching on the door.
[00:30:21] Speaker C: Life of a single mom.
[00:30:22] Speaker A: So, yes, trying to record a podcast with a homeschooled kid. So then the other thing I want to ask is, so I have another client who's from Canada who initially really wanted their sperm donor to come from Canada. Can you talk a little bit about what that piece of it was for you?
[00:30:43] Speaker C: Well, part of it is that in Canada, you're not allowed to be paid for your sperm. So I really liked that. Part of it was that he had actually donated without monetary compensation. So that piece kind of resonated with me. I do know because of that reason, it's more challenging to find donors because there's not nearly as many in Canada.
And I don't know, I guess it's just kind of canadian pride in a way. Like, it's like kind of cool to me that he's also canadian. I mean, he's across the country from me, which in some ways I think is kind of a good thing because, you know, you don't want too many close. Like, you hear those, I don't know, there's some movie or something about sperm children kind of like meeting or something, and you're like, okay, you know, there's. You do wonder about that, the proximity and how many there are. I know that my clinic limits it to 25, which still felt big to me, 25 family unit. But that was another piece out of the clinic that I did like, because some of the us clinics, they do have higher numbers. Depends where you go. But, you know, 25 family units felt a little bit more comfortable to me. So it wasn't something that I was super set on. It just kind of worked out that the donor that I really liked also happened to be, you know, from Canada.
[00:32:06] Speaker B: So.
[00:32:07] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:32:08] Speaker A: Okay, cool, thanks. And then do you know, can you say a little bit about, like, if you're not going to find. If you don't find a canadian clinic, then you basically, there's a couple clinics that are from the US that have like a small number of donors that are canadian compliant. And are you going on the US site but clicking like canadian compliant or are there actual, like, do you know how that process works?
[00:32:32] Speaker C: I don't like everyone that I was shown on those websites because I was also. I had also looked at Zitech and I think it was the California Cryo bank. And I actually wasn't told that that was an issue at all. It could be that my. The person that was dealing with it at the clinic had already kind of figured that out for me. But I didn't have to click anything or I was just able to choose. Choose anybody from the us sites and they would ship it over. So that wasn't something that was. Was a concern.
[00:33:07] Speaker A: Okay. Okay.
[00:33:07] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:33:09] Speaker A: I thought they had to be complete canadian compliant because of the, like, canadian limits and the worldwide limits, but interesting.
[00:33:17] Speaker C: Yeah, no, I didn't base that.
[00:33:18] Speaker A: Okay. Okay, let's see. How about. Let's move on to the donor conversation. So do you have any plans at this point about what you might. Yeah. Your plan around talking to your child about this?
[00:33:34] Speaker C: I don't have anything set yet. I have definitely done some reading and I've listened to, you know, podcasts and been on some social media and just kind of, I feel like I'm at the stage now where I'm collecting the information from other women and just trying to sort it out in my own mind as to how I want to have that conversation, when I want to have that conversation. I do know I'm going to be very open with her from the beginning. I would like to just normalize it right from the start through books. That's part of the reason I've joined a little single moms by choice community here, which is so awesome. This one woman set up a little meetup. We met up for the first time a couple weeks ago, and there's a few people that are trying pregnant, have kids. And so for me, having her be a part of that little community, so that she's growing up around people that are also donor conceived, so that it just seems normal, that's really important for me. So I think just when she starts asking questions, I just plan on being really open. I think it definitely depends on the age of development. I haven't quite decided when I'm going to show her everything. You know, that seems like something that you would wait a while to do. So, yeah, I'm just going to kind of see how it plays out and, you know, keep reaching out for support from other women, like, as I get to those stages and just kind of asking, asking for advice. So, yeah.
[00:35:05] Speaker A: Awesome. Awesome. Well, if anyone is sort of in that conversation for themselves, I do have a guide and you can check it out, too. I'll put the link in the show notes, a guide of, like, how to approach the donor conversation, because I think it's really important and there are some great resources out there that I can link to in the show notes for people. But I think as well, I think one of the, aside from the conversation, what you're doing in terms of, like, having other alternative family structures around you, I cannot even tell you, as my child has grown up, how incredibly important that has been. Like, there was a moment where he was at a school and a little boy was. It was like father's day was coming up, which is like a weekday in Mexico. It was kind of this whole traumatic thing. And these other kids were like, you have to have a dad. You have to have a dad. And so he was like, mom, so and so told me that I have to have a dada. And I was like, well, he's wrong, right? Like, look at all of these families that we know with two moms and one mom and two dads. And, like, I could point to so many friends that had different family structures, and he was like, oh, he is wrong. Okay. All right. And it's. Yeah, so, yes, yes, yes, yes. Make sure you have those in your life for, like, when that moment comes up, because I think that moment will come up. And it's. It's such a good piece of the equation to have. And there's a ton of books around. Like, all these are all the kinds of families. So I would say also those books, which we can link to some links to some of those as well.
What would you say? We kind of covered this, I think. But what is the most surprising thing about your path?
[00:36:52] Speaker C: Yeah, definitely how long it took and then just the emotional toll that it can take. And I don't think I was prepared for that going in. I think I just had a lot of excitement. I was just ready to go. And then as time went on, it really starts to wear on you. And for me, I ended up, I felt really in limbo for a couple of years, and that was really challenging because I felt like, you know, I wasn't still in my twenties partying. I wasn't really dating because I'd made this decision, so I didn't feel like I was moving forward in that way. And then at the same time, this wasn't working. And I just, I really struggled with that, like, being in that limbo phase and feeling like I'm always someone who I love moving forward. I think many women who do this, we are those types of people who just want to power ahead and get to the next step of our life and accomplish and achieve. And when I wasn't doing that in what felt like any way, it really started to wear on me and break me down a little bit, which is kind of why, you know, by the end of 2020, I was just, you know, I was a bit of a mess, and it was, it was tough. So that was very kind of, like, like I said, surprising and shocking. I didn't know that there was going to be that many emotions and that it was going to be that hard.
[00:38:14] Speaker A: So, yeah. Yeah, I think it's so true for so many women. And what did you, what advice would you give to women who are in that place where it's like, I would.
[00:38:26] Speaker C: Definitely say, take breaks when you need to, which is kind of what I did. You know, don't feel like you have to go month to month to month and just keep, keep doing it. And if you feel defeated and if you feel like it's kind of the end of the road. It might not be. It might just feel like that in the moment because I definitely got to points where I just thought, I'm done, I'm going to completely give up. I can't keep going. And then, you know, a month will pass, two months will pass, and you'll feel differently about it. So just know that if you feel really, really, really down and really devastated and that it's over, you know, that can shift. And you might feel differently if you give yourself a little bit of time. And, you know, I did, and it's worth it. And even though it took as long as it did, I didn't realize it at the time, but the timing was right. Everyone says that. And when you're in it, you just want everyone to not tell you that. You're like, yeah, right. You know, stop saying that. Stop telling me that. Everyone says when the timing's right, you know, the universe will give you what you want when the timing's right. And it's hard to see that. But now that I'm on the other side of it, it's absolutely true. You know, there were things in my life that had to line up. I ended up moving back to my, a small town where I grew up, getting a wonderful new condo. All these things that if I had gotten pregnant, I don't think these things would have happened. And I'm in a much better place now than I was when I first started trying. So, yeah, just try to keep that in mind. Believe that there is a plan. The universe does have a plan, and it may take longer than you think, but, you know, you'll be able to see it differently when you're on the other side.
[00:40:19] Speaker A: Yeah. Oh, my gosh, I love that so much because I think it is. It's like that moment, you trying to find that trust when you're in it, that it's, yeah, you know, the right course of events or the right timing is so hard, but to hear it from someone who's, like, in it right now is so good. I know. Yeah. Any regrets so far about how things have unfolded or how it's gone?
[00:40:46] Speaker C: Not really. I mean, for a while there, I was thinking, oh, I shouldn't have done those five iu eyes. Like, maybe I should have stopped at two or three. But, you know, on the flip side of it, that was just. That was the path that I needed to take, you know? And it did cost a little more than it would have if I'd stopped earlier, but, you know, definitely think that, you know, I had to go through that process. Being the age that I was and not having the issues. Five was kind of the number that my doctor had kind of thrown out, that I'd kind of had in my head. So I definitely think that that was the right decision now. But, you know, looking back, I'm like, I wish I started with IVF, but, you know, I mean, yeah, it was.
[00:41:34] Speaker A: The path, so, yeah, I mean, I can't imagine being, like, being 33 with everything sort of checking out.
I feel like it's completely reasonable and it's what almost any practitioner would recommend, so it's trickier because. Yeah, hard to know. Let's move on to talking a little bit about being pregnant as a single woman. How is that going?
[00:41:59] Speaker C: And I.
Yeah, I mean, for the most part, I've had a pretty good pregnancy. Like, physically, I've been lucky. It has been pretty good. I got, you know, a little bit of morning sickness, you know, a few different things, but definitely can't complain there. My anxiety has definitely been on a bit of a roller coaster ride. I've always been someone who's kind of struggled a little bit with. With that. And so I've noticed just with the hormones of pregnancy, you know, it's gone up and it's gone down. And sometimes facing that alone, it can be challenging. I think that there's just days where, you know, you do have that thought of if there was somebody else, you know, they could. They could support me a bit emotionally or even just pick up the slack a little bit. I think that it's. I've always been so independent. It's never really been a thought. But then there's days when I'm so tired and I'm just like, I wish somebody would cook for me or I wish somebody would rub my feet. So there are definitely moments where I have missed having a partner, which surprised me. I thought once I was in this, at this point, I would just be, you know, that wouldn't even be a thought in my head. But, you know, there's little moments that you, you have throughout your pregnancy, whether it be an ultrasound or whatever else, and you. You share it with other people, but sometimes you think, you know, it would be nice to share it with someone who. Who was right. Right in it with you kind of thing. Yeah, but that being said, like, my family, my friends, like, I basically just kind of treat them like a partner. Like, I just share it all out. Like, I'm like, I went to this ultrasound, look at her, and, you know, everyone. Everyone is so, so with me on this journey, that's with me on the journey that I just feel. I do feel pretty supported.
[00:43:47] Speaker A: So that's been good. That's nice. Yeah. I think it's a moment in time wherever I.
It's like, on the one hand, you feel so supported, and on the other hand, I think it really, like, highlights sort of your vulnerability and aloneness. And I think it's hard to, like, hold both that you're, like, you have so much support and yet kind of at that. And I think it's a fact of everyone's life. It doesn't change, even in partnership, but I think it highlights that. Like, but at the end of the day, I'm alone and I think that can be incredibly.
[00:44:20] Speaker C: Yeah, it does in a way that I didn't expect. And, you know, when I. When my work through this little baby shower, for me, I mean, I. It was such an incredible feeling to kind of have everybody just walk in the door and be there for me. And even though I know I have people, like, like you said, it can feel so isolating and to have that moment of everyone kind of just coming together and just seeing it visually and physically in a room, it meant a lot to me. And it was like I told the person who organized it, I said it. It really. It touched me in a way I didn't expect it to. Just knowing, you know, I do have this community because I think I have had moments of feeling isolated while pregnant, so. Yeah.
[00:45:03] Speaker A: And Covid being pregnant during COVID does not help.
[00:45:06] Speaker C: For sure. For sure. Yeah.
[00:45:08] Speaker A: Yeah. Dating. Have you dated at all? It's. I know you said you kind of felt like you had put your, you were in this limbo and had put dating on hold. Has that remained consistent or have you tried to date or thought about dating at all?
[00:45:21] Speaker C: Yeah. So actually, at the beginning, when I first got pregnant, I thought, you know, I've done a lot of online dating, hit or miss through the years, and I just thought, hey, like, let's put it out there and see what the response is. So I put my profile out there to see, you know, what people would say. And I said, you know, I'm doing this on my own. I'm currently pregnant. You know, if you're open and you'd like to hear more, let me know. So I did hear from a few people. I think that there's a lot of people out there that you hear from that are, you know, not authentic and are looking for other things. But I did. I did talk to a few people. And I think earlier in my pregnancy, you know, it was just. It was kind of for fun, and I thought, you know, let's just see. But then as the pregnancy progressed, I've just kind of felt like, just this connection to my daughter and this feeling of, like, okay, this is our journey for now. And I'm now at a very special place, a very vulnerable place emotionally, and it's just not a time right now where I would want to let anybody else in. And I know how challenging postpartum and things are going. Is going to be. So, you know, I'm definitely kind of guarding that part, guarding my heart right now because I want to give everything to her right now. And I don't think it's fair for me at this stage. Definitely, eventually, you know, years down the road, I see myself, you know, getting back out there, maybe meeting a kid, single dad. We'll see. But for the time being right now, it's just. It's just me and her son.
[00:46:55] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah, I love that. I felt like it was a really.
When I gave birth, I was like, oh, my God, this just feels so natural to not have to share my attention. And I loved how you phrase, like, you know, just, like, guarding your heart from, like, all the other stuff. Like, it just felt so good to, like, not have to worry about a third person because you're, like, so incredibly bonded and enveloped. I feel, like, in your child's existence. And, like, I think there is something very special about just having that kind of one to one relationship early on. And obviously, you know, there's pluses to being able to share that with a third person. But I think there's also something very special about not sharing it with someone else and having it just be you and. And your child.
[00:47:44] Speaker C: Definitely.
[00:47:45] Speaker A: I'm so excited for you.
[00:47:47] Speaker C: Yeah.
Hard to believe. Some moments I. I'm like, this is my life. Like, you know, I've started setting things up in the house, and things are ready, and, you know, you just. Sometimes I just look around and think, is this. Is this really happening? Is my. Has my dream almost come true? Because, you know, when. When you spend so long thinking it could never happen, and then it does, I mean, it's the best feeling. So for anyone out there, you know, that, you know, is in the depths of kind of trying and it's not working, keep going because it is worth it.
[00:48:23] Speaker A: Yeah, totally. I think that's such good advice. One. One more kind of major topic is support. So what are you. Have you been thinking about kind of what's going to happen postpartum and how you're going to support yourself through that, even your birth. Have you made choices? Maybe. Let's start with your birth, like, what you've decided for that.
[00:48:44] Speaker C: Yeah. So with my birth, I have a wonderful midwife that she's been following me the whole way, and so I have a good relationship with her. And then I hired a doula, who I'm also, I love, really connected to her as well. So those are the two people. That's my birth team. I'm not inviting anyone else in, in terms of family or friends to actually be there for the birth. Yeah. And I've been taking a. It's called hypnobabies, so it's an online course. Yeah. And so I've been basically focusing on a lot around, you know, mindfulness and trying to go into the birth, you know, thinking calmly, being mindful, and I'm not sure if I'm going to go natural. We'll see how it goes. But, you know, just kind of working on the mental piece of birth, and my doula has been really supportive with that. She attended one of my courses with me, and I'm actually going to meet with her today. Again, we're going to talk about my birth plan a little bit more in details, so I definitely feel supported on the birth, in the birth world, whatever birthing process.
Thank you. Yeah. And she's gonna drive me to the hospital, which is so great. It's gonna come right when I start birthing, and then we're gonna. We're gonna head off to the hospital, so.
[00:49:57] Speaker A: And do you have a postpartum plan?
[00:50:00] Speaker C: I do. So my best friend's gonna come stay with me for a few days, which will be great. And then from there, my dad and his wife, we're not quite sure how it's going to work. My condo is a little bit small. Family in that close of quarters for long periods of time, it might be a bit challenging. So they're going to try to rent a place nearby, and hopefully, you know, come at least for the first week to help with cooking, cleaning, just kind of being there for me. The other thing that I thought was really important was setting up some supports, kind of for my anxiety and things like that. So I'm actually currently seeing a counselor, and I started seeing her at the beginning of this year, and then my midwife connected me as well with an outpatient psychiatry clinic. And they follow you through your birth, so for me, that's really important. And they do some group sessions as well. So because I am. I am a little bit unsure how it's going to go postpartum for me in terms of, like, my anxiety and everything. So I wanted to have a team set up so that in case I'm not feeling great in the first few months, I do have those support.
[00:51:09] Speaker A: That's awesome. I love that. I feel like a lot of women, it's like, I mean, so many women struggle with mental health stuff and anxiety, and I think a lot of times it's a big piece of the equation of thinking about whether or not you can do it. And I feel like, set up your team, right?
[00:51:25] Speaker C: Set up your team. Realize there's going to be ups and downs, but as long as you set up supports for yourself and do it.
[00:51:32] Speaker A: And I'll put in a plug for a new postpartum support group that I'm starting with Betsy Freeman, who's a midwife. She's caught, like a thousand babies. I'm certified as a postpartum doula so that we're doing an SMC postpartum support group just twice a month. When you're in those first few years, especially, and especially those first few months, people who are partnered don't get what you're going through at all. So it's really important to have some support. And I know you also have that, your local group, so definitely connect with them, but all the support you can get early on is really important.
[00:52:10] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:52:11] Speaker A: And you guys get a year off in Canada, right?
[00:52:14] Speaker C: Wow, we're lucky. I really feel bad for some of the people in the US. It's crazy. They need to change those laws. We actually now have the choice of up to 18 months. If you take 18 months, though, they do spread pay and the EI over that time. So initially, that was my plan financially. Mat leave is honestly already going to be a challenge. I get a little bit through my district, but at a certain point it's only EI, which will not pay all the bills. So I had to I actually savings, and I know that I'm going to have to dip into that a little bit, but at least I'll get the time with her. And I just feel so blessed that we get the time here in Canada. It should be like that everywhere. Honestly, I don't think it care how women have to go back to work in the US so soon.
[00:52:58] Speaker A: So anything else you want to add in closing? It's been so many good nuggets, but I want to make sure there's nothing else. Nothing. We missed that you want to mention?
[00:53:09] Speaker C: I don't think so. Just like I've already said, don't get defeated. Don't think that you have to wait, you know, for everything to line up perfectly. If you want to do it, you know, get started, because, like, we've talked about, it can take longer than you think. I would say don't. Don't wait too long. And just know that even if everything seems like it'll check out, it can be a long process. So just kind of keep that in mind and.
[00:53:39] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, I think that's good advice. I was recently interviewed by a woman named Christy Katzman, and she was saying that she felt like, in her mind, it was making the choice, the thing, right. Was like just making the choice, and she didn't realize that. She thought that was the hard part, was making the choice, and then didn't realize that, oh, crap. Actually getting pregnant is its own thing, too. So I feel like we agonize over the choice. And most women said, once you become a mother, it all falls into place. There's no regrets. Pretty much everyone says, I wish I'd started sooner. So remembering the getting pregnant part can be really hard. Don't agonize too much. Get support, talk to people and. And get started, because it. I would say for the majority of women, it takes longer than they expect.
[00:54:28] Speaker C: Absolutely. Yeah, definitely.
[00:54:30] Speaker A: Yeah.
Awesome. Well, we'll have to have you back on once you have your baby and we can check in about how it's all going. But I'm so excited for you. I know it was so torturous and. And you're just radiant and so happy now. It looks. It's amazing.
[00:54:47] Speaker C: Yeah. I love to be back, and I just want to thank you because, you know, you've been here with me through the journey since the beginning. So, you know, thank you for your support. Thank you for having the communities that you do and kind of just putting your time into doing these podcasts and helping these women because I know that all of that was a really, really big support for me through the journey. So thank you.
[00:55:11] Speaker A: Awesome. My pleasure. Thanks, Kelly.
[00:55:15] Speaker D: Thank you for joining us for another episode of the Motherhood Reimagined podcast. I want to thank Kelly for sharing her powerful journey to single motherhood with such honesty and vulnerability. Her story reminds us that while the path may take unexpected terms, staying true to our dreams of motherhood as well.
[00:55:33] Speaker A: Worth it.
[00:55:34] Speaker D: If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe to the podcast and leave us a review. And if you're considering motherhood or already on this journey, I invite you to check out the SMC motherhood reimagined community, my supportive online space for women at.
[00:55:49] Speaker A: Every stage of this path.
[00:55:51] Speaker D: Until next time. Remember, there are so many ways to.
[00:55:54] Speaker A: Create a family that you dream of. Keep reimagining what's possible.
[00:55:59] Speaker D: I'm Sarah Kowalski, and this is the motherhood rematching podcast. Bye for now.
